No joke, friends. We made socks… And they are the best socks. Genuinely the best covfefe ever. Here’s why:
From staying active and taking care of yourself, to using products packed with awesome adaptogens, pushing your gaming experience to the next level is all about tapping into how awesome your body already is.
And being as comfortable as possible is a big part of that, too – just ask the pros.
They drop serious cash on special chairs, keyboards, mice, and unicorn bobbleheads (or is that last one just us?).
Anyways, staying comfortable has a massive impact on your ability to focus. So imagine our surprise when we realized that the gaming world has completely overlooked one (actually two) crucial parts of that: your feet!
First off, there’s “cold feet syndrome”. During times of extreme pressure and stress, the body reacts by pulling blood from your arms and legs to make sure your organs have enough oxygen to respond to the “threat”. Putting the labcoat away for now, this response basically means that no matter how warm your room is, your feet can get cold.
On top of that, regular socks can stink, itch, fall off, suffocate, or strangle the hell out of your feet, distracting you and throwing you off your game.
Our Ultimate Esports Socks are going to change all that.
But first, the backstory.
Do you even know how proper socks are made? And not the kind our grandmas knit for us (bless them) – we’re talking real socks. The kind that almost make you wish you never had to put shoes on again.
The process is nuts.
Each machine looks like it’s ready to fly off into the air and chase Keanu Reeves. It has 168 needles and a bunch of organic thread and is controlled by the kind of legacy tech computer system that (we hope) the Pentagon probably uses to deal with nuclear launch codes (after all, no Twitter connection).
And if you’ve got a custom design, bring tissues. Boxes of them. Because getting everything set up correctly will pull more tears out of you than the stampede scene from the Lion King.
The design has to be entered one pixel at a time and then run through a bunch of different software programs via diskette (you know, those 3D-printed save icons) to make sure all the machines are calibrated correctly.
From there it takes about 3 minutes to complete a sock, at which point it comes flying out of what we can only describe as an industrial-strength leaf blower.
At this point, we’d like to say that no MADMONQ® staff were injured in the process of making these socks, but that wouldn’t be true – those socks come out at almost deadly speed.
As if that weren’t enough, if the thing the machine launches out at you isn’t correct, for whatever reason (and there are many!), it’s back to the drawing board to start all over again.
And guys, all this mayhem is just to create “regular” socks. But this is MADMONQ® here and you know we couldn’t settle for just “regular”.
Our socks needed to be more than just really, really ridiculously good-looking, so we crammed them with so many feetures (sorry, we are genuinely proud of this pun) that only a handful of producers would even call us back – these socks were borderline contraband.
In fact, the only people with enough balls to put our brainbaby into their machines were the sock mafia.
And with that, we had officially entered the sock underworld.
We can’t go into much detail here (they have eyes everywhere), but when we walked in to pick up our order, the boss (we call him “Don Calzino”) told us that he “accidentally” made twice as many. Apparently these socks were too awesome for the number we originally ordered, so he made us a solid offer (“one we couldn’t refuse”): twice as many for twice as much.
And as we ran out of there, we all had the theme from The Godfather playing in our heads.
But Don Calzino wasn’t wrong – these socks are awesome and you can all thank the man for his persuasive ways.
So with an origin story like that, you’re probably wondering what makes Ultimate Esports Socks so special. Well that’s easy – FEETures:
Next-level odor protection
We infused these socks with antibacterial and antifungal zinc ions to slay the baddies that turn your feet into stink grenades. Now your feet stay fresh, boosting your confidence to a level that will put your opponents on the run. That said, make sure they meet the washing machine once in a while – they’re socks, not unicorn condoms.
Anti-shock microplush underside
Each of these socks has a special super-comfy underside that absorbs impact and helps prevent the “cold feet syndrome” that stressful matches are known for. Also great on those late-night stealth raids to the fridge.
Thermo aeration mesh
Playing like a beast generates a lot of heat. Carefully positioned ventilation zones dispel excess heat and moisture away from your feet, never to be seen again. Kinda like your money at the last Summer Steam Sale.
95% organic cotton
We really battled with this one and pushed the cotton level right to the limit of known sock science. Every time we went higher than this, they came out looking like your grandma made them for you. This material and the aeration mesh structure work together to create the ultimate breathable, itch-free foot situation.
Aloe extract for eternal softness
You like it, your feet deserve it and we wanted to crank that softness factor to the max. But when Don Calzino said “OK boys, we give them the aloe vera…”, for our own personal safety we hid our massive skepticism. Oh but guys, then we tried them on, and it’s like sticking your foot in your mom’s spaghetti. Yeah… that good.
Snug stay-up cuff
Regular socks just can’t seem to get it right – they either cling to your leg like Yoda to Luke Skywalker or keep slipping off like Marge trying to wear Homer’s pants. Enough of that crap. Say hello to no sag, no chokehold and lots more circulation. Your feet will thank you.
Reinforced impact zones
You know how they say chicken dinner tastes best with holes in your socks? Yeah, total fake news. So we added a mega-durable heel and toe, making them perfect for kicking open all those loot chests.
Full disclosure: we weren’t even sure this was going to work. Our standards were so ridiculously high that until the very last week, we did not know whether we were going to launch.
Yeah, we might be a little obsessed with gamer performance (that’s what our therapist says, too), but your game deserves you at your fiercest.
Anyway, if you’ve read our sock story to this point, you should see it was not an easy project. Many ups and downs, violence, learning, fails, but all ultimately leading to sockcess! And that process is what it’s all about and what MADMONQ® is about, too.
We want to help you become a better gamer. That journey won’t be easy for you – you’re going to need the right tools and the right mindset. Our mission is to make sure you have both.
And if you get some, don’t be afraid to get socksual with us → here’s our number. Make sure you use it.